Self-Sabotage: Why You Do It and How to Stop Without Blaming Yourself

I had just finished the first, Croatian edition of my book. Everything was arranged: the publisher, the printing, a book launch in two weeks' time. Then things unexpectedly got complicated. I came home from a meeting and started to doubt myself and the whole project. Looking back, I was slipping into postponing, quietly preparing to give up on the very thing I wanted most, just before the finish line.

Instead, I made a decision. I would publish the book myself, and I started my own company to do it, even though I knew nothing about publishing. Those were two of the craziest weeks of my life. The launch was at seven in the evening, and the copies arrived from the printer at half past six, still warm. Whenever I catch myself thinking about giving up on an idea, I remember that evening and tell myself: I can do it.

In my book Courage on the Journey of Happiness, I call this falling back into the fear zone. The very first of the twelve challenges ends with exactly this invitation: stop postponing what matters and start acting.

What is self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage means behaving in ways that undermine your own goals, relationships or happiness, often without noticing it. Psychologists have a name for one of its clearest forms: self-handicapping, putting an obstacle in your own way so that if you fail, you can blame the obstacle rather than yourself. It is not a diagnosis. It is a very human pattern, and patterns can change.

Signs of self-sabotaging behaviour

You might recognise yourself in a few of these:

• you put off the one thing that matters most and stay busy with everything else
• you lose interest, or find a reason to quit, just when something starts to work
• you don't prepare properly, so that if it goes wrong, you didn't really try
• you wait to feel ready, or for everything to be perfect, before you begin
• you pull away or start an argument when someone gets close
• you hear yourself say “not now”, “I'm too old” or “what will people say?”

Why do I self-sabotage?

Because some part of you is trying to keep you safe. If you don't really try, failure says nothing about your worth. If you never finish, nobody can judge the result. If you stay where you are, at least you know what to expect. As I wrote in my book, people often find something bad better than the unknown. Putting things off also brings instant relief: the anxious feeling fades today, and your future self pays the bill.

Many of these patterns are old. Some of us grew up being told to be humble and not to stand out, so wanting more felt ungrateful. So if you keep sabotaging yourself, there is nothing wrong with you. You are using an old strategy in a life that no longer needs it. And if these patterns seriously disrupt your work, relationships or well-being, or are tied to painful experiences, please talk to a qualified therapist; they can help in ways no article can.

Self-sabotage lives in the fear zone

In my book I describe life as a journey through zones, which I wrote about more fully in how to find yourself again. Self-sabotage lives in the fear zone. You know what isn't right, but you aren't ready to face your fears, so you hear the call and don't act. On the outside it looks like postponing, busyness and endless excuses. On the inside it is usually fear of failure, or sometimes, as I wrote, fear of success.

Fear itself is not the enemy. It can be a guide, pointing straight at the parts of your life that need attention. The worst thing you can do is deny it and push it deeper. Recognising it is the first step out.

It’s better to face fear and act, even if the result isn’t perfect, than do nothing and stagnate.

What happiness research says about self-sabotage

As an economist who has spent many years studying happiness, I find it comforting that psychologists have studied this for decades. In a classic experiment, Steven Berglas and Edward Jones told some students they had done well on puzzles that were in fact unsolvable, a success they couldn't explain. Before a retest, they could choose a drug said to improve performance or one said to impair it. Men in that situation preferred the one that would hold them back, presumably so that a likely failure could be blamed on the drug; among women the effect didn't appear¹.

The protection has a price. Miron Zuckerman and Fen-Fang Tsai found that, over time, self-handicapping and poorer adjustment reinforced each other, and that self-handicappers reported feeling less competent and less intrinsically motivated at work. They suggested it serves people whose self-esteem is fragile². Procrastination works in a similar way. Fuschia Sirois and Timothy Pychyl describe it as giving priority to feeling better now, at the expense of your future self³.

What helps is not being harder on yourself. In a study of first-year students, Michael Wohl, Timothy Pychyl and Shannon Bennett found that those who forgave themselves for procrastinating before their first exams tended to procrastinate less before the next ones⁴. In experiments by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, people encouraged to treat a mistake with self-compassion were more motivated to improve, and after failing a difficult test they spent more time studying for the next one⁵. Kindness is not the opposite of discipline. It is what makes trying again bearable.

How to stop self-sabotaging: seven gentle steps

You don't stop self-sabotage with one heroic effort, but in small moments, repeated until a new way feels natural. These are the steps I use myself.

1. Name your pattern. What do you always do the same way, even though you don't like the results? This is one of the first mini challenges in my book, because noticing alone begins to change things.
2. Catch the moment just before. Self-sabotage has a starting point: the phone you reach for, the “tomorrow” you promise yourself, the sudden urge to tidy the kitchen. Notice what you feel right then: usually fear, doubt or boredom.
3. Ask what it protects you from. Failing? Being seen? Succeeding and then having to keep it up? Use the fear as a guide, not a verdict.
4. Keep the benefit in sight. Write down your favourite excuse, and next to it what you will gain by acting anyway. The benefit is what moves us; the excuse only keeps us where we are.
5. Make an if-then plan. “If I notice I'm putting off the report, then I'll open it and write for ten minutes.” Combining 94 tests, Peter Gollwitzer and Paschal Sheeran found that plans like this had a medium-to-large effect on reaching goals⁶.
6. Choose done over perfect. Years ago, the author John Assaraf told me in a private conversation: “Anita, remember: done is better than perfect.” Waiting for perfect is simply a more respectable way of not starting.
7. Forgive yourself and begin again. You will slip. When you do, speak to yourself as you would to a good friend, and ask what you will do differently next time. Self-blame keeps you in the loop; kindness walks you out of it.

How to stop self-sabotaging in relationships

In relationships, self-sabotage often means keeping love at a safe distance: testing a partner, pulling away when things get close, starting a fight before you can be hurt, or expecting the worst so you are never surprised. In three studies with 1,365 people who had experienced relationship sabotage, Raquel Peel and Nerina Caltabiano found three recurring themes: defensiveness, difficulty trusting and a lack of relationship skills. Their conclusion sounds familiar: people sabotage their relationships mainly to protect themselves⁷.

So the way out is not to try harder to be perfect, but to make it safer to stay. Notice your own signal, the urge to withdraw or to attack, and name it out loud: “I'm getting defensive, give me a minute.” Then ask whether you are reacting to this person or to someone from your past. If an old story is still steering, letting go of the past may be your next step.

Self-sabotage is not proof that you don't want something enough. Often it shows how much it matters. You don't have to wait until the fear is gone; you only have to stop letting it decide. That is the heart of my programme Permission for Life: permission to live your own life, with people who walk the same path. And the next time you are about to give up, remember that the books can arrive at half past six, still warm.