How to Make Friends as an Adult, Even When It Feels Too Late

A friend of mine asks me from time to time: “Who is your best friend now?” I usually laugh. To me, “best friend” belongs to primary school, to the years when we filled each other's scrapbooks and announced who our best friend was. As adults we know that a best friend forever is often a best friend for a certain season of life.

And seasons change. Some people came into my life almost by chance: people I met one evening and immediately clicked with, and whom I care about as if we had known each other from before. There is also a friend I sometimes don't hear from for a month, yet when we meet, it feels as if we saw each other yesterday. Friendship at 45 looks different from friendship at 15, but it is no less real.

In my book Courage on the Journey of Happiness, friendships and acquaintances have a challenge of their own, because the people around us shape our days more than we admit. Here is what I have learned about making new friends when life is already full.

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

Because for the first twenty or so years, life did it for us. Nursery, school, university and the first job put us in the same rooms with the same people, day after day, and friendships grew almost by themselves. Then work, partners, children and ageing parents fill the calendar, people move away, and nobody hands us a new class list.

Combining 277 studies with more than 177,000 people, Cornelia Wrzus and her colleagues found that friendship networks get smaller throughout adulthood, and that life events such as starting a job or becoming a parent bring similar changes¹. So if your circle has shrunk, nothing is wrong with you. You are simply in a season when friendship needs a little more intention.

Friend or acquaintance: what's the difference?

Social networks have blurred the word. They gave us an “Add Friend” button where “Add Contact” would have been more honest. In my book I ask a simpler question: if it's 3 a.m. and you have an emergency, whom would you call, and who would actually come?

A true friend is someone with whom you can be silent or talk for hours, who supports you and accepts you as you are, while still making you a better person. An acquaintance is someone you like but haven't yet shared enough life with. Both matter. What makes a close bond good for you is much the same with friends as with a partner; see signs of a healthy relationship.

Signs it's time to make new friends

You might recognise yourself in a few of these:

• your social life is mostly work, family and the school gate
• your closest friends live far away or are in a very different season of life
• you keep meaning to “catch up” with people, and months go by
• you have moved, divorced or changed jobs, or your children no longer need you every evening
• you often think “I'd love someone to go with” and then stay at home

Every friend was once an acquaintance

There is an old saying that you have to eat a measure of salt with someone before you can call them a friend, and a Latin proverb warns that a friendship made over a glass of wine is as fragile as the glass. Friendship develops; it is not an overnight occurrence. That is good news if you are starting again at 35, 45 or 55. You don't need a new best friend by Friday. You need a few acquaintances you are curious about, and the patience to let something grow.

It also changes the question from “Why doesn't anyone invite me?” to “What kind of friend am I ready to be?” In my book I put it this way:

The focus should be on how to be a good friend, not how to have good friends.

What happiness research says about making friends as an adult

As an economist who has spent many years studying happiness, I like to think of friendship as an investment whose currency is time. Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas asked adults who had recently moved, and first-year students, how much time they had spent with new acquaintances. His estimate: roughly 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends and more than 200 hours for a close friendship². Relaxed time spent together counted for more than hours spent working side by side.

Alistair Sutcliffe, Oxford psychologist Robin Dunbar and their colleagues describe our social world as circles of roughly 5, 15, 50 and 150 people, with closeness and contact falling at each step, and with trust growing from the time we invest³.

Acquaintances matter too. Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn found that students felt happier and more like they belonged on days when they talked with more classmates than usual, and that even these weak ties were linked to well-being⁴. In 2023 the US Surgeon General called social connection a critical and underappreciated contributor to health, and warned that far too many Americans lack it⁵.

Where to meet new friends as an adult

The best places have three things in common: you see the same people regularly, you do something together, and there is a little time before or after to talk. One networking evening rarely does it; ten Tuesday evenings often do.

• a weekly language, pottery or dance class where the same faces return
• a choir, a walking group or a running club, where talking comes naturally
• volunteering for a cause you care about: shared values from day one
• your neighbourhood: the café, the market, the neighbour you only ever nod to
• online groups that also meet in person: Robin Dunbar suggests that real relationships need at least occasional face-to-face contact⁶
• work, if you invite a colleague for a walk or a coffee away from the desk

How to make friends as an adult: seven gentle steps

You don't need to become more outgoing. You need a few small habits, repeated until they feel natural.

1. Choose one place and keep going back. Pick one regular activity and give it three months. Friendship needs repetition before it needs chemistry.
2. Talk to the person next to you. In experiments by Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder, commuters asked to talk to a stranger reported a more positive journey than those who kept to themselves, although others predicted the opposite⁷. A question about the class or the dog is enough.
3. Assume you were liked. After a conversation, most of us replay everything we said wrong. Erica Boothby and her colleagues found that people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners liked them, an illusion they call the liking gap⁸.
4. Suggest the second meeting yourself. “We should get coffee sometime” rarely happens. “Shall we have coffee after class next Thursday?” often does. Someone has to go first; let it be you.
5. Reach out, even briefly. A message, a photo, a link to something she mentioned. Peggy Liu and her colleagues found that people consistently underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to⁹.
6. Listen more than you talk. Listening is one of the qualities we value most in a friend. Put the phone away, ask a second question, remember how the interview went. If your mind is always elsewhere, start with how to live in the present moment.
7. Choose quality over numbers. As I wrote in my book, everyone's friend is nobody's friend. Give more of your time to those who leave you lighter, and if some old relationships mostly drain you, read about energy vampires.

How to make friends in your 30s, 40s and beyond

The years between 30 and 55 are full of turning points: a move, a divorce, a new job, children leaving home. In my book I joke that the quickest way to sort out your circle of friends is a divorce, because within a week everything is clear. I'm joking, of course, but big life changes do show you who is really there, and they open space for new people.

Friendships in midlife rarely need daily calls; they need honesty, a shared rhythm and room for busy weeks. After a big change, start with people in a similar season: parents whose children have just left, newcomers in town, women starting again. Don't wait until you feel confident. Confidence usually comes after the second meeting, not before the first.

Whether an existing friendship is good for you deserves its own article. So does loneliness that goes deeper than wanting new friends: if it feels heavy for a long time, talking to a qualified professional can help.

New friendships ask for something many women find hard: putting your own need for connection on the calendar, next to everyone else's. That is a quiet form of healthy selfishness, and part of what we practise together in my programme Permission for Life. But it starts this week, with one message.