How to Let Go of Control Without Giving Up on What Matters

When I rewind my life, one realisation stands out, and it is not a flattering one. I constantly had the need to change and control others, and that need led to my divorce, to broken friendships and to all sorts of other things. And yet I have no regrets. Everything happened for a reason, and it taught me the key to every change: concentrate on yourself, not on others.

Most of us don't call it control. We call it caring, being responsible, knowing better. We remind, correct and fix, afraid that if we let go, something will fall apart. But other people are not our projects, and the tighter you hold on, the more tired you become.

In my book Courage on the Journey of Happiness, this realisation sits in the introduction, before the first of twelve challenges, because every other change depends on it: you can only walk your own path.

What is the need for control?

The need for control is the urge to make people and situations turn out the way you think they should, because not knowing, or not deciding, feels unbearable. People call it control issues, or say someone is a control freak, but the label is usually unfair. Most people who try to control everything are not cold or bossy. They are capable, anxious and tired.

Some control is healthy: planning your week, looking after your money, setting boundaries. It becomes a problem when control turns from a tool into a need, and when it reaches into other people's lives. If what you are gripping has already happened, start with how to let go of the past.

Signs you're a bit of a control freak

You might recognise yourself in a few of these:

• you redo what others have done, because your way is better
• you give advice nobody asked for, and feel hurt when it isn't taken
• you can't relax until you know exactly how something will turn out
• an unexpected change of plan can ruin your day
• you feel responsible for other people's choices, moods and results

Why do I feel the need to control everything?

Nobody is born wanting to control everything. We learn it, usually for good reasons. If your childhood felt unpredictable, being in charge may have been the safest place to stand. If you were the responsible one, you learned that things go wrong unless you handle them. And many women carry a quiet belief that a good woman holds everything together: home, work, children, parents and everyone's moods.

Underneath almost every need for control is fear, and very often a sense of scarcity: not enough safety, time or love to go round, so you hold on tighter. If that sounds familiar, my article on the scarcity vs abundance mindset shows how to widen your view. And if your need for control comes with strong anxiety or compulsions, a qualified mental health professional can help in ways no article can.

Change yourself, not the people around you

We spend enormous energy trying to change our partners, children, parents and colleagues. It rarely works, and when it seems to, it costs the relationship something. The only person you can truly change is you, and here is the beautiful paradox: when you change, much around you changes too.

By changing ourselves, we change the world (and that’s actually the only way).

There is a reason the prayer usually attributed to the theologian Reinhold Niebuhr has travelled around the world¹. It asks for “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”, the courage to change what we can and the wisdom to tell the difference. Letting go of control is that wisdom in practice, not passivity.

What happiness research says about the need for control

As an economist who has spent many years studying happiness, I find it reassuring that research has names for what I lived. In 1975 psychologist Ellen Langer described the illusion of control: when a chance situation contains elements of skill, such as choice or familiarity, we feel more confident of success than the odds justify. In one study, people who had chosen their own lottery ticket asked a much higher price to give it up than people simply handed one, although the draw was pure luck².

In 1982 Fred Rothbaum, John Weisz and Samuel Snyder described two ways of feeling in control. Primary control means bringing the world into line with your wishes. Secondary control means bringing yourself into line with what you cannot change, which they saw as a real, often overlooked form of control³. Their paper is called Changing the world and changing the self, almost the motto of this article.

Psychologist Michel Dugas and his colleagues in Quebec have long studied intolerance of uncertainty, how hard we find it to bear not knowing. In one small early study it was the key factor setting apart people with generalised anxiety disorder, a condition marked by excessive worry, from people without it⁴. You don't need a diagnosis to recognise the everyday version: when not knowing feels unbearable, controlling feels like relief.

The good news is that acceptance can be practised. The acceptance and commitment approach of psychologist Steven Hayes and colleagues teaches people to make room for difficult feelings while acting on what matters⁵. When Andrew Howell and Holli-Anne Passmore pooled five randomised experiments with university students, this kind of training had a small but significant positive effect on well-being⁶. And Brett Ford, Iris Mauss and colleagues found that people who tend to accept their emotions and thoughts without judging them felt less negative emotion during daily stress and reported better psychological health six months later. Interestingly, this link held for accepting thoughts and feelings, not for accepting situations⁷.

How to let go of control: seven gentle steps

You don't let go of control in one brave moment. You loosen your grip one finger at a time.

1. Notice the grip. Control often shows in the body first: a tight jaw, raised shoulders, the itch to step in. For a few days, just notice when it appears and what set it off.
2. Draw two circles. Write down what is worrying you. In one circle, put what is yours to influence: your words, actions, boundaries and reactions. In the other, put what isn't: other people's choices, the past, the outcome. Give your energy to the first circle and your acceptance to the second.
3. Name the fear underneath. Ask what you are afraid will happen if you don't control this. Being hurt, being blamed, chaos? A named fear is easier to hold than a vague one.
4. Turn “they should” into “I can”. Every time you catch yourself thinking that someone should change, ask what you can change in yourself instead. This is the core of my own lesson: concentrate on yourself, not on others.
5. Let one thing be done differently. Let your partner load the dishwasher their way, let your child pack their own bag, let a colleague run the meeting. Resist the urge to correct. Most of the time, different is not wrong.
6. Practise not knowing. Living with uncertainty is a skill you can train. Leave one evening unplanned, wait an hour before checking whether someone has replied, let a decision rest overnight. If letting go leaves your mind racing, how to stop overthinking is a good next step.
7. Accept the feeling, then act on what's yours. When anxiety rises, don't fight it and don't obey it. Let it be there, breathe, and do the one thing that is in your circle. Then let the rest unfold.

How to stop being controlling with the people you love

This is where control hurts most, because it usually comes wrapped in love. We check, remind and correct, and to the other person it often sounds like: I don't trust you. Adults are allowed to make their own choices, including ones you would never make, and children need room to make small mistakes while you are still close enough to help.

Try replacing instructions with questions: “How would you like to handle this?” or “Do you want my advice, or shall I just listen?” Offer help instead of imposing it. Often the people around you grow into the trust you finally give them, and you discover how much energy you have left for your own life.

Letting go of control doesn't happen in a single decision. It happens in small daily moments when you choose trust over fear, and it is easier with people around you who are learning the same. It is no accident that the last part of my programme Permission for Life is called Free. You don't have to hold the whole world together. Take care of your own part, and let life surprise you with the rest.